The Awkwardness of Asking for Pronouns
Coming back to Uni this year in person, I noticed a lot of changes that were made around the school for the sake of gender inclusivity. Some of the major changes were the renaming of the bathrooms, the plan to create a gender neutral bathroom, and the addition of a gender neutral locker room. One of the things that stood out to me more was a minor change. I found that, for the first time in my life, some of the teachers were introducing themselves using their pronouns, and asking students to share their own.
I thought it was great that some teachers were sharing their pronouns because it helps normalize sharing ones pronouns. When teachers ask students to share their pronouns, though, it can create an awkward and uncomfortable situation. For some students, it may not be a big deal. However, for other students, it puts them in a position where they have to out themselves. Either that, or lie about how they want to be referred to. How one wants to be referred to can vary and an individual may want some people to know their pronouns, but may not be comfortable with everyone knowing. Sharing one's pronouns is not always easy. In a public setting, like a classroom, it can be even scarier, especially when the gender associated with a person’s pronouns does not align with their gender expression, or when their pronouns are anything other than she/her or he/him.
Not asking for students' pronouns, though, can be even worse. It puts the burden on trans students to speak up and share their pronouns if they want to be referred to correctly, since oftentimes teachers assume the wrong pronouns for trans students. If you use neopronouns or pronouns that are gender neutral, you can be almost certain that a teacher will not be able to guess your pronouns.
In class, we talked about gender being a social construct. It was surprising to see everyone in class agree with this statement, because many people have a harder time accepting it. While more and more people are coming to understand gender and we are learning to break away from a binary interpretation of it, the gender binary is still real and deeply ingrained in all of our minds. While Uni has made some progress to be more inclusive of non-binary students, not everyone here is ready to accept that we exist. I am not sure what the best way to handle sharing pronouns is, since as long as transphobia and the gender binary exist, there is no way to make sure everyone feels comfortable expressing who they are. There are steps that we can take though, and it is a conversation worth having. I am thankful for the victories that we have made and the teachers who are making an effort, but it is important to point out the flaws that still exist, since progress should never be a reason for us to stop asking for more.
I thought it was great that some teachers were sharing their pronouns because it helps normalize sharing ones pronouns. When teachers ask students to share their pronouns, though, it can create an awkward and uncomfortable situation. For some students, it may not be a big deal. However, for other students, it puts them in a position where they have to out themselves. Either that, or lie about how they want to be referred to. How one wants to be referred to can vary and an individual may want some people to know their pronouns, but may not be comfortable with everyone knowing. Sharing one's pronouns is not always easy. In a public setting, like a classroom, it can be even scarier, especially when the gender associated with a person’s pronouns does not align with their gender expression, or when their pronouns are anything other than she/her or he/him.
Not asking for students' pronouns, though, can be even worse. It puts the burden on trans students to speak up and share their pronouns if they want to be referred to correctly, since oftentimes teachers assume the wrong pronouns for trans students. If you use neopronouns or pronouns that are gender neutral, you can be almost certain that a teacher will not be able to guess your pronouns.
In class, we talked about gender being a social construct. It was surprising to see everyone in class agree with this statement, because many people have a harder time accepting it. While more and more people are coming to understand gender and we are learning to break away from a binary interpretation of it, the gender binary is still real and deeply ingrained in all of our minds. While Uni has made some progress to be more inclusive of non-binary students, not everyone here is ready to accept that we exist. I am not sure what the best way to handle sharing pronouns is, since as long as transphobia and the gender binary exist, there is no way to make sure everyone feels comfortable expressing who they are. There are steps that we can take though, and it is a conversation worth having. I am thankful for the victories that we have made and the teachers who are making an effort, but it is important to point out the flaws that still exist, since progress should never be a reason for us to stop asking for more.
As a neopronoun user, I feel this. For one, I'm thankful that everyone else shares their pronouns, else I'm usually the one to start with "What's everyone's pronouns?". I'm perfectly fine with my pronouns being used everywhere, but others are not as lucky as me. The question of "Where should I use these pronouns?" should come with "What are your pronouns?" in the first place. Some people don't want them used around their parents or teachers, others have certain friends or family members that they'll use different identifiers with. Like you said, it's a matter of safety.
ReplyDeleteHi Zahraa, this is blog post highlighted a very insightful perspective that many students at Uni, myself included, relate to. The first time that I shared pronouns that were different than the she/her pronouns that were given to me my entire life was this summer. Coming to Uni, I faced the very daunting task of sharing my pronouns, like you mentioned in your blog post. At the camp I worked at, I knew that all of my coworkers (with the exception of one, who was subsequently fired for a myriad of reasons) would respect my pronouns, as well as the most of the campers. Coming to Uni, I was not sure about sharing my pronouns in an environment that was not controlled and that I was comfortable in (this was my eleventh summer at the camp). Sharing my (real) pronouns is still a very uncomfortable situation for me. Despite it being uncomfortable, mainly because of my fear of what others may think, I shared them. Sadly, I also don't have an answer for this dilemma. If teachers make it optional for students to share their pronouns, it could prevent students from outing themselves, but in that same grain, it begs the question of what pronouns other students should use when referring to said students.
ReplyDeleteHey Zahraa, this is a really good point. I think it's really easy for people to overlook the need to ask where someone is comfortable using certain pronouns. I think people often feel like they are "done" with their duty to be inclusive of gender by simply asking for pronouns but not realizing that you still have to be sensitive to them in certain settings, like you said. It's definitely something that doesn't get much of a highlight, so I'm really glad you brought it up.
ReplyDeleteI really like the angle you took on this. I feel like a lot of times, people either accept asking for pronouns as part of a social norm and do it regularly, or they completely ignore the concept and sometimes even scoff at it. There doesn't seem to be much of a middle ground (maybe plain old indifference), even though it is sometimes (unfortunately) true that people are not comfortable sharing their pronouns in a large environment. And going through the filter of an adult can sometimes be even worse: I feel like for a lot of students, the fear of "what if my teacher outs me to my parents/family/people who don't respect me" can keep them from wanting to share their actual pronouns, which can lead to an awkward situation if they are directly asked.
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